YES WE ALREADY KNOW THAT I HAVE A LOT OF FAULTS SUE ME
Shawn Berman
in a world where the goodyear blimp is the official bird of redondo beach, california
and slugs having four noses is considered completely normal,
i still don’t understand how anyone can have the guts to french kiss another
living
breathing
being
without even thinking twice about the potential consequences.
it’s not that i don’t have the confidence
no—
it’s quite the opposite.
it’s just that there are literally billions and jillions of bacteria in your mouth that begin colonizing at birth and there’s no way to prevent it no matter how hard you try.
but whatever
i know i can be irrational or a lil’ bit of a hypochondriac about things
and i guess it’s a fear that i gotta get over on my own
and learn that not everything in this world is trying to hurt me,
like that time
we saw halloween on opening night in a packed theater and a guy dressed up in a michael myers costume sat down behind us,
fake knife and all.
til this day
whenever i bring it up
you get so mad that i ran outta that room,
claiming how unchivalrous it was to leave you behind with a potential serial killer.
tbh
i feel like
all rules get thrown out the window
when a deranged psychopath shows up,
especially since basically everyone in the world can kick my butt without even trying.
oh well.
we can’t all be perfect,
i guess :(
I’VE NEVER MET A FRENCH FRY I DIDN’T LIKE BUT I CAN’T SAY THE SAME ABOUT YOU
lately when i’m bored
i like to randomly facetime old friends
that i haven’t seen in years
and ask them to rank their favorite foods, like french fries.
i tell them not to think
to just blurt out their top 4 that come to mind
and that no answers are wrong, of course.
but then
idk
bob
will hit me with something like
sweet potatoes are the best
and i’ll immediately hang up because
what psychopath would ever put sweet potatoes first
when waffle fries
hell
even curly were
right there
just begging to be picked?!
that’s when i know
that me and said friend aren’t as close as we used to be
and that’s ok
because stuff like that happens as you get older
and over time people begin to change
and there’s kinda nothing you can do about it
besides cut your losses
and move on with your life, ya know?
kinda like three years ago
when you decided we weren’t a good fit for each other anymore
because i refused to acknowledge that there’s more pokémon than the original 151
even though it’s a widely accepted fact amongst pokémon purists.
if we’re being honest with each other,
i’m not gonna apologize
for something i believe in.
that’s what i call growth
with a capital g,
babe.
you should try it some time.
Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. Some of his work has appeared in Hobart, Maudlin House, and Drunk Monkeys. @sbb_writer.