it hurts more when the dog dies
Jessie Caitlin Bullard
when death & pain are inevitable
in a film, i always find myself
looking out for the animals--
please let them live,
i worry to myself in fearful aches.
please watch over this dog,
i pray to a god who probably pays
no mind to fiction;
this dog's frantic yelps create
more tension than any orchestral doom.
when the dog trembles
& lets out a shivering, shrieking
cry: a final plea
for help or a goodbye
or an instinctual stamp
into the sky, alerting heaven
of identity & arrival & finality.
my heart becomes seismic
in contrition-- why?
a dog's eyes drained of joy,
stiff & cold like a grudge,
are darker and more precise
than any vague end for me:
the dog understood more profoundly
what spirituality gives & takes
better than any wise men;
i do not understand--
people cannot instinctualize
their deaths like a creature,
& even if we could
we cannot prepare for heaven
as selflessly as they.
the sacrament of first reconciliation
a piece of heart withers in my hands,
a string of dust in your silence:
if i scream loud enough for God to hear us,
will you open up your arms
and shed a tear for the faithful departed?
i made my confessions,
i completed my penance—
for every sin i opened my mouth,
letting my serpent’s tongue
beg for absolution—
dissonance of worth and humility,
strength and pity.
i used to pray with trembling hands,
rosy heart beats strung around
in sanctimonious handcuffs.
feed me your ultimatums,
squash my every bluff
and attempt to puff out my chest,
a resurrection of my backbone—
a clump of dirt thrown
over my ghosts, all put to rest:
but, even i still have my doubts
and reach into my wounds
just to feel something.
‘til my kingdom come,
thy will be done.
jessie caitlin bullard is a teacher and writer of poetry and prose who lives in Southern California. She is currently teaching first-year rhetoric and composition at CSU Long Beach, and in her spare time she plays video games, crochets, and writes creatively. jessie's work can be found in Stone Fruit Magazine, HALOSCOPE, White Stag Journal, Watermark Journal, and elsewhere.